The reason I wanted to include the 5 love languages is because not only is it an eye opening book/concept that helps you to understand both yourself and your partner, but sometimes, a spell, potion, or charm isn’t even necessary to fix or improve your relationship. A little understanding or explanation may be all it takes for it to click, giving you lasting results vs. casting a spell which may only give temporary results if any depending on your skill and the person in question. And even once your magic works and you have the person of your dreams, knowing their love language is going to do a better job of keeping them in your life than any spell, potion, or charm ever could. Remember witches, healthy communication and understanding makes for healthy long lasting relationships! Magic can only go so far! The rest is up to you! (You don’t even have to read the book as I give a pretty clear synopsis below but I still highly recommend it)
The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Why is it that so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding? And sometimes even before the wedding? Why is it that a couple can attend a communication workshop, hear wonderful ideas on how to enhance communication, return home, and find themselves totally unable to implement the communication patterns demonstrated? It is not that the books and articles already published are not helpful. The problem is that we have overlooked one fundamental truth; people speak different love languages.
If we are to communicate effectively across cultural lines, we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate. In the area of love, it is very similar. Your emotional love language or the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other and this is where a lot of relationship issues can often stem. It is a misunderstanding or an ignorance of meaning in your partner’s language.
The need to feel loved by one spouse is at the heart of marital desires. Once the experience of falling in love has run its natural course, we return to the world of reality and begin to assert ourselves. We must be willing to learn our spouses’ primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love. There are five Emotional Love Languages.
He will express his desires, but his desires might be different from hers. We are all unique individuals. They have not yet grown to understand each other properly and their emotions mingled only briefly in the ocean of Love. Now the waves of reality begin to separate them. They fall out of love and at that point either withdraw, separate, divorce, and set off in search of a new in love experience, or they begin to hard work of learning to love each other without the euphoria of the in love obsession. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinely loved by another. That kind of love requires a lot of effort and discipline.
Gary Chapman often says that when your spouse’s is emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life. But when the love tank is empty and he feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he will likely never reach his potential for good in the world.
Discovering the primary love language of your spouse is essential if you are to keep their emotional love tank full. But first, make sure you know your own love language. There are five emotional love Languages. They are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch. Some individuals will know instantly their own primary love language in that of their spouse. For others it will not be that easy.
The book has an accompanying website, complete with a quiz to discover your own love language. I highly recommend reading the book to accompany the quiz as well so that you can make complete and full use of understanding the importance of your and your partner’s love language and how to accommodate filling their emotional love tank. If you don’t have time to read the book, you can take the (free) quiz here. A quick rundown of the 5 love languages is below and explanations are offered with the results of your quiz. And then, on to the magic!
Word of Affirmation
The first love language is words of affirmation. One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Solomon wrote that the tongue has the power of life and death. Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements such as “you look good in that suit”, or “I feel like I can count on you”. What would happen to the emotional climate of a marriage if the husband and wife heard such words of affirmation regularly?
If your husband takes the garbage out, say “thank you for taking the garbage out. I appreciate it”. Don’t say “it’s about time you took the garbage out. The Flies were going to carry it out for you”. When someone does something good, you should give them a verbal compliment. Often times, verbal compliments are far better motivators than nagging words or backhanded compliments. When we receive affirming words, we are more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires.
Compliments aren’t the only words of affirmation. Encouragement is also important. You must first learn what is important to your spouse. Only then can you give proper encouragement. Kind words are also important. One sentence can have two different meanings depending on how you say it. Our words say one thing but our tone of voice can say another. We can send double messages and our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use.
Quality Time
The second love language is quality time. Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. Not sitting on the couch watching television together but when you spend time together with the TV off talking and giving each other undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking without any cell phone in sight. It isn’t enough to just be in the same room with someone. A key ingredient in giving your spouse quality time is giving them focused attention, especially in this era of distraction. Some spouses think they’re spending time with each other when, in reality, they are only living in close proximity. They are in the same house at the same time, but they are not together. A wife who is texting while her husband tries to talk to her is not giving him quality time, because he does not have her full attention.
Quality time can also mean quality activities. One of the byproducts of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years of head. Those are memories of love, especially for the person his primary love language is quality time. You have to make time for such activities just as you make time for lunch and dinner. Why? Because it is essential to your marriage just as meals are too your health. Does it take careful planning? Yes. Does it mean we have to give up some individual activities? Perhaps. Does it mean we do some things we don’t particularly enjoy? Certainly. Is it worth it? Without a doubt. You will then get the pleasure of living with a spouse who feels loved and knowing that you have learned to speak his or her love language fluidly
Receiving Gifts
Of The 5 Love Languages, ‘Receiving Gifts’ Is The Most Misunderstood. People seem to look down on the ‘receiving gifts’ love language and attach unfair judgments. They may consider a person with that language to be materialistic, frivolous and shallow. But that’s often not the case as it’s not the price tag that’s important to this person — it’s the thought, care or effort that went into choosing or executing the gift.
The right present makes this person feel seen, understood or appreciated. A thoughtful gift speaks more deeply than a gift given without consideration to their likes. In other words, don’t spring for a pair of fancy sneakers just because they’re expensive if your partner isn’t into fashion. The value of the gift is about more than the item itself — it’s about what it symbolizes. To give a gift with meaning and thought behind it requires attention and empathy, which ultimately strengthens the relationship connection.
Gifts may be purchased, found, or made. The husband who finds an interesting bird feather while out jogging and brings it home to his wife has found himself an expression of love. You can purchase a beautiful card or you can make a gift for free. You can even purchase an item for your significant other that you know they have been interested in for a while and surprise them. Know that experiential gifts — like a weekend trip, art class or tickets to a concert or game — can be just as appreciated as tangible gifts.
Physical Touch
Having physical touch as your love language does not necessarily mean you’re all about sex. When you hear that someone’s love language is physical touch, it can be easy to assume that this means sexual touching, but that is not necessarily the case. It more often means you prefer physical expressions of love over all over expressions (such as verbal compliments or gifts). This may seem self-explanatory, but there are both intimate and non-intimate touches that can and should be used to show your partner love. Physical touch has long been known a way to communicate emotional love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one spouse.
Sexual expressions of love are used in most romantic relationships, but what if you live 100+ miles away from your partner? What if you and your partner are waiting to have sex? What if you’re not a touchy person? What if sexual intimacy is mentally or physically challenging for you?
Physical touch, specifically cuddling, releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is known as the bonding hormone. That hormone is the same hormone released between a newborn baby and its mother, which is why skin-to-skin contact is highly recommended for bonding after childbirth. In addition to the joy of cuddling, it also helps boost your immune system. Physically touching your partner is one of the best ways to build a bridge and increase feelings of connectedness. When your partner gets home from work, you might kiss them or hug them, which can immediately release some of that day’s tension. Rub your partner’s back or sit side by side at dinner.
Acts of Service
For people who love with acts of service, love is not felt as much with abstract words and intention as it is with visible action and follow-through. An act of service is the physical expression of a thoughtful gesture. At its core, an act of service is about someone going out of their way to meaningfully help and support the other person. When people take initiative to ease some of their responsibilities and burdens, it helps them feel taken care of, safe, and loved in return.
An act of service is about dedicated time and effort, usually in a nonverbal way. It is quite literally showing up in ways that are tangible, meaning actions speak louder than words. For those whose primary love language is acts of service, they will appreciate the tactile, palpable steps you are taking to enhance or simplify their life by making it a little bit easier. When they don’t have to worry about the little but big things that give them stress, it allows them to fully show up as a partner and reciprocate love from a place of abundance.
Remember that an act of service is about more than doing household chores, delivering on some high-octane grand gesture, or how much one can accommodate their every desire to please them. When thinking about acts of service, think about how you can improve their quality of life by planning ahead or freeing up their time to spend on other things. It’s really about going after a much more emotionally subtle feeling where they feel like they can trust you to have their back, for the small and the big things. To strike the right balance in giving and avoid burnout, pay attention to their daily activities and notice where you can check things off their to-do list. Then, fold that into your schedule naturally. This can range from small acts such as making a coffee to go for them in the morning to save a few minutes to putting jumper cables and a backup battery in their car.
If you haven’t already taken the quiz, you can go here to take it for free!
Discovering the primary love language of your spouse is essential if you are to keep their emotional love tank full. Some individuals will know instantly their own primary love language in that of their spouse. For others it will not be that easy. You can also look back over your relationship and ask what have you most often requested of your spouse or friend? Whatever you’ve most requested is probably in keeping with your primary love language. Those requests have probably been interpreted by your spouse as nagging but they have been in fact your efforts to secure emotional love.
Another way to discover your primary love language is to examine what you do or say to express love to your spouse. Chances are what you were doing for her is what you wish they would do for you. If you are constantly doing acts of service for your spouse, maybe that is your love language. So you could actually ask yourself how do I consciously express my love to my spouse? If two languages seem to be equal for you, then perhaps you are bilingual. If so, it will make it easier on you and your spouse. Now they will have two choices, either of which will strongly communicate love to you.
Be aware that your love language may change over time! I originally took the quiz back in 2018. Words of affirmation was my #1 and I was tied for physical touch and quality time as my #2. That being said, while composing this post I thought to take the quiz again and my results have certainly changed! My #1 is now quality time and words of affirmation and acts of service is now tied for #2. However, the more things change the more they stay the same and receiving gifts was last both times. My job and emotional needs in 2018 were different from my job and emotional needs today. Someone may experience severe emotional and/or physical trauma at the hands of an abuser and their #1 which may have been physical touch could become their #5. Someone could pass away and the need for quality time with those left could increase or a toxic relationship could make them feel used and now acts of service are what they need to feel like they are not a servant themselves. In other instances, a new baby could change your priorities and words of affirmation may be the kind of environment you want your child to grow up in. While I understand that we all have an ideal for ourselves that we want to maintain or once we understand something about ourselves it becomes inconvenient for it to change, it is equally important to realize that you are a constantly growing and evolving being whose life factors will continue to transform and evolve what we require to maintain a healthy relationship with ourselves and others. Your concept of love and how you express and receive love will also continue to change over the years so flexibility will be key!
Now that we have discussed what love actually IS, the different forms it takes as defined by the Ancient Greeks, and the 5 love languages, let’s talk about LOVE SPELLS AND MAGIC!
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From our altar to yours, with love from the sea,
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